PILOT SCRIPT

Episode one of our proposed new golf show 'A Round With Malice'. Where a celebrity enjoys banter and playing a hole with the legendary golfer and TV commentator Peter Alliss.

Alliss - Today ‘A round with Malice’ comes from the south coast, with England and Tottenham footballer Peter Crouch. I have selected the 4th hole, a pretty dog-leg right, called ‘Clancy’s Creak’. What do you think of ‘Clancy’s Creak’ Peter?

Crouchy - It looks good to me

Alliss - Being a professional footballer, you must get lots of time to play golf?

Crouchy - What are you implying?

Alliss - Let me put it another way. What’s it like not playing for a very good Spurs side?

Crouchy - At least I can run.

Alliss - Now, now Peter. Let’s not get personal. I fancy a little three wood off the tee. Do you know, the fatter I get, the more rounded my swing becomes. There, right down the middle of the fairway. I see you are using one of those modern adjustable drivers.

Crouchy - Yes. What do you think of them?

Alliss - They’re bollocks. Marketing hype. Golf is all about ‘technique and temperament’ Peter. Would you like to try one of my hand-made persimmon woods?

Crouchy - No. I’ll stick with this.

Alliss - You’ve got a nasty slice there. Looks like it landed in the deep rough. Lucky we’ll only playing for 10 grand a hole. How do you cope with abuse from the fans, calling you ‘a useless lanky twat’?

Crouchy - I like to get a good look at their faces and try to run them down in my new Range Rover Sport after the match.

Alliss - Is it really necessary for footballs to spit all the time?

Crouchy - Well, it helps to clear your throat, when shouting abuse at the ref.

Alliss - Do you have any favourite golfers you like watching?

Crouchy - Tiger of course. He’s so great at gobbing and throwing clubs.

Alliss - Now then. Here’s my ball, a gentle five iron onto the green and the ten grand will be mine. I mean for my chosen charity. Shit. I’ve pulled it into the left side bunker.

Crouchy - How did that happen?

Alliss - I felt my hand slip a little on the grip. I’m sweating like a pig here. Have you been watching ‘Strictly’?

Crouchy - Yes.

Alliss - You are famous for your goal celebration ‘robot’ dance. Would you like to do Strictly?

Crouchy - I’m not sure

Alliss - Are you worried about not being able to lift anyone above your waist with those weedy arms?

Crouchy - **** off!

Alliss - I’d love to do it. Imagine being ordered about and grappled by a young Russian dancer, day after day. I’ve been dying to ask you. What’s it like knobbing a real hottie?

Crouchy - If I can’t get my ball out of the rough, can I kick it out?

Alliss - Why not. I’ll give you a chance of winning that ten grand.

Crouchy - Golf is so ****ing frustrating. How did you cope with pressure when playing on the tour?

Alliss - Well in my day, golf was a gentlemen’s game. Professional golfers would never swear or throw clubs. You had to keep your emotions inside. Though, I used to take it out on the wife and kids when I got back home. Now. Ignoring your ‘kick’ shot, we’re both on the green for three. It’s all down to the putting.

Crouchy - I see you are using a belly putter.

Alliss - No it’s just a normal length putter. My belly is quite close to the ground. Bollocks. Its gone six foot past the hole. Down to you Peter. Ten grand on this putt. That must be at least a couple of hours pay.
Bad luck. Gimmie fives then. We’ll just have to keep the money.
I look forward to seeing you on the subs bench or making a pratt of yourself on Strictly.
Next week, I’ll be playing a round with Jordan, aka Katie Price.

Crouchy - You’ll have your hands full then.

Alliss - Are you still here?
Roll credits and theme tune.
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