Golf Refugees 2010 predictions

Tiger to bag a couple of majors

The Birdie Sisters to win Junior World Golf Championship

Rory McIlroy to call Golf Refugees and request our carbon neutral Bandit polo shirt

Stephen Lewton to win The Challenge Tour

Golf Refugees will launch tour spec original black golf ball and everyone will want one

Peter Alliss to make a comeback hit TV show

MCFC will win the Premiership with Welcome to Manchester Carlos Tevez top scorer



Kabul heaven

Our local golf courses are all covered in a few inches of snow, so how about a golf trip to a warmer climate? Providing you can get to the airport and catch a flight out of cancelled Britain.

For the adventurous types, there are always the more alternative locations. How about a golf course with a checkered ownership past? From the Russian’s, to the Mujahideen, the Taliban and now back in the hands of a good old local pro.

If you’re not too bothered about rubbing shoulders with molly coddled tour players, and can over look the lack of creature comforts, such as grass, water and a clubhouse then Kabul Golf course might just be your place.

Recently opened again, after extensive renovation evolving mine clearing, tank removal and green reconstruction using a mixture of sand and oil to give an unfamiliar black appearance. Imagine putting on your neighbours recently, still warm and slightly tacky tarmac drive.

The marketing men of the major golf brands have yet to extend their arms, so losing your golf clubs and dimpled balls is a real pain. Unless you can barter your way with a few machine guns in exchange for a rusty five iron and Titleist’s with shrapnel damage.

With green fees of £18.50, it’s not the cheapest of nine hole golf courses, but the rugged high altitude location serves up a few visual treats. Dress codes state hard hats are optional.



Dom Joly's take on Tiger and Golf

Dom Joly: Tiger's birdies make golf so rock'n'roll.

Stories hidden by the glare of Pringle jumpers have now come out about golf groupies. Golf's horizons are suddenly broader than just links and bunkers.

I'm just loving how the whole Tigergate affair is giving golf a rebranding. Most people tend to see the game as something that keeps retired businessmen out of the house until they pass on to the great boardroom in the sky. The ludicrous golf garb that people wear is the equivalent of dull people wearing "crazy" socks or ties. It's just not that convincing.

I think that, if you were a kid thinking about getting into sports, golf would have been very low down on the glamour list. Football gets most of the press and people like Kevin Pietersen have made cricket sexy while Andy Murray has made tennis slightly more interesting – if you're Scottish. Golf never got a look-in really, apart from Tiger Woods, who was so dominant that it stopped getting very interesting. Then, Tigergate – "Tiger is a Cheetah" etc. Suddenly we're getting stories about golf groupies and the rock'n'roll lifestyles that had previously been hidden from view behind the glare of Pringle jumpers. Tiger Woods' cuckolded wife is stunning. How did she first catch the "eye of the Tiger"?

She was the au pair for another professional golfer – an au pair? What wife in her right mind would ever hire someone like that as an au pair? I think your marriage would have to be tremendously secure to survive someone that stunning wandering around your house. My wife once employed a Polish au pair who seemed eminently qualified online but had been looking for a job for over two months with no luck. When she hired her, all the other mums suddenly told her that nobody had employed the girl because she was way too pretty. Hearing this news I got very excited. Sadly, her arrival quickly quashed my enthusiasm as she turned out to be not only the dullest creature on earth but a kind of petulant female version of Kevin the teenager. She didn't last long.

The other aspect of Tigergate that has been such a godsend to the press covering the affairs is the comedy value of golfing terminology. The obvious ones like Tiger's "birdies" were everywhere in seconds but there were plenty more. The next round was along the lines of Tiger's getting wood, holes in one, being the bogeyman etc. Now things are getting really obscure, with people talking about a "wedge" in their marriage and how Elin was looking "chipper". I'm waiting for somebody to come up with a way of using Mashie Niblick. Personally, I'd often read about how Tiger had a magnificent swing but had not realised, up until now, that this was a reference to his lifestyle.

Up until Tigergate, the most raucous that golf ever got was Meatloaf and Alice Cooper fighting for the hair straighteners in the locker room on a celeb golf day. Now golf is the new rock'n'roll, things are going to change. We're going to get "Topless Golf" on the Babestation channel, "Golfers' Wives" on Five and a bad lookalike in a porn film called something like "Tiger's favourite holes". I fear that golfing widows will also now be a little more suspicious of the "men only" rule at the local golf club.

I imagine that, on closer inspection, they will find the rule is actually "no wives" and that the clubhouses of suburbia are actually hothouses of passion and sexual intrigue. I'm pretty sure there will be an upsurge in women joining clubs. Some will be wives keeping an eye on their previously unsuspected husbands. Others will be single women eager to tap into this new reservoir of available men.

Tiger will soon have to come out of his self-imposed hermitage and face the world. His PR people are most likely planning the thing now. I'm pretty sure that we'll see him on Oprah weeping his heart out and blaming his "sex addiction" on his constant proximity to balls. He will claim to be undergoing treatment and will then release a brand of condoms called "Woodies". These will become so successful that Tiger will go on to develop some branded balls known as "Gonads". Having been dropped by all his current sponsors, he'll take up with new commercial partners that include Spearmint Rhino, Hooters and Vaseline. I'm off now – there's a hookers and harlots night at the golf club – got to limber up.


Mrs Merton interviews

Writer and comedian Caroline Aherne created the talk show host character Mrs Merton, a dotty old women with a razor sharp tongue, based on one of her mum’s friends.

On one of her fabulous TV shows Mrs Merton interviewed Debbie McGee, the younger blonde wife of magician Paul Daniels.
Mrs Merton asks, "So Debbie, What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Now if Mrs Merton interviewed Elin Woods, she would ask, "So Elin, What made you stay with your cheating billionaire husband?"


Watching the detectives

I have watched a few TV crime programmes and detectives in my time, to know a thing or two about getting to the bottom of a case. It is very important to preserve evidence at the scene of a crime, and a reconstruction of the events leading up to the crime can help jog the public imagination and bring new witnesses forward to help crack the case.

So here goes....... I’ve hired a big SUV vehicle for the day, and asked my girlfriend to wear a long blonde wig, to breathe in a lot and try to look sexy, whislt running down a long drive way in her pj’s brandishing a golf club.

Meanwhile, not used to driving such a large vehicle, I run up the pavement opposite and knock over a neighbours tree.

My girlfriend catches up with me, slightly out of breath, and decides to smash the windows of the SUV with some vigour, in what can only be described as an ’out to in swing’. I had also asked her to grunt a little as I lay there with........

’invisible shivers running down my spine, she pulls the eyes out with a face like a magnet,
I don’t know how much more of this I can take’ EC