PILOT SCRIPT

Episode one of our proposed new golf show 'A Round With Malice'. Where a celebrity enjoys banter and playing a hole with the legendary golfer and TV commentator Peter Alliss.

Alliss - Today ‘A round with Malice’ comes from the south coast, with England and Tottenham footballer Peter Crouch. I have selected the 4th hole, a pretty dog-leg right, called ‘Clancy’s Creak’. What do you think of ‘Clancy’s Creak’ Peter?

Crouchy - It looks good to me

Alliss - Being a professional footballer, you must get lots of time to play golf?

Crouchy - What are you implying?

Alliss - Let me put it another way. What’s it like not playing for a very good Spurs side?

Crouchy - At least I can run.

Alliss - Now, now Peter. Let’s not get personal. I fancy a little three wood off the tee. Do you know, the fatter I get, the more rounded my swing becomes. There, right down the middle of the fairway. I see you are using one of those modern adjustable drivers.

Crouchy - Yes. What do you think of them?

Alliss - They’re bollocks. Marketing hype. Golf is all about ‘technique and temperament’ Peter. Would you like to try one of my hand-made persimmon woods?

Crouchy - No. I’ll stick with this.

Alliss - You’ve got a nasty slice there. Looks like it landed in the deep rough. Lucky we’ll only playing for 10 grand a hole. How do you cope with abuse from the fans, calling you ‘a useless lanky twat’?

Crouchy - I like to get a good look at their faces and try to run them down in my new Range Rover Sport after the match.

Alliss - Is it really necessary for footballs to spit all the time?

Crouchy - Well, it helps to clear your throat, when shouting abuse at the ref.

Alliss - Do you have any favourite golfers you like watching?

Crouchy - Tiger of course. He’s so great at gobbing and throwing clubs.

Alliss - Now then. Here’s my ball, a gentle five iron onto the green and the ten grand will be mine. I mean for my chosen charity. Shit. I’ve pulled it into the left side bunker.

Crouchy - How did that happen?

Alliss - I felt my hand slip a little on the grip. I’m sweating like a pig here. Have you been watching ‘Strictly’?

Crouchy - Yes.

Alliss - You are famous for your goal celebration ‘robot’ dance. Would you like to do Strictly?

Crouchy - I’m not sure

Alliss - Are you worried about not being able to lift anyone above your waist with those weedy arms?

Crouchy - **** off!

Alliss - I’d love to do it. Imagine being ordered about and grappled by a young Russian dancer, day after day. I’ve been dying to ask you. What’s it like knobbing a real hottie?

Crouchy - If I can’t get my ball out of the rough, can I kick it out?

Alliss - Why not. I’ll give you a chance of winning that ten grand.

Crouchy - Golf is so ****ing frustrating. How did you cope with pressure when playing on the tour?

Alliss - Well in my day, golf was a gentlemen’s game. Professional golfers would never swear or throw clubs. You had to keep your emotions inside. Though, I used to take it out on the wife and kids when I got back home. Now. Ignoring your ‘kick’ shot, we’re both on the green for three. It’s all down to the putting.

Crouchy - I see you are using a belly putter.

Alliss - No it’s just a normal length putter. My belly is quite close to the ground. Bollocks. Its gone six foot past the hole. Down to you Peter. Ten grand on this putt. That must be at least a couple of hours pay.
Bad luck. Gimmie fives then. We’ll just have to keep the money.
I look forward to seeing you on the subs bench or making a pratt of yourself on Strictly.
Next week, I’ll be playing a round with Jordan, aka Katie Price.

Crouchy - You’ll have your hands full then.

Alliss - Are you still here?
Roll credits and theme tune.
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PADRAIG GOING GREEN?

We’ve heard a little rumour on the grapevine, the IMG Golf grapevine. That Padraig Harrington is looking to link up with ‘clean and green’ brands.

It will be interesting to watch these little green shoots in 2011.
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CUNNING DISGUISE

There is history between us.
 
Some of you may remember that Golf Refugees created the original black golf ball and Nike ripped off our idea by producing a similar product two years after the original. Nike’s defence was that they had never heard of Golf Refugees.

Nike’s representatives are now saying that the above silhouette image used by Golf Refugees to promote their new ethically made ‘anger rehab’ 2011 collection is recognisable as TW because of the posture. Golf Refugees defence will be we’ve never heard of a ‘Tiger posture’.

With our cunning disguise, will people now think its Miguel Angel Jimenez?

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WE'RE IN TROUBLE, AGAIN.

Golf Refugees have been contacted by a senior consultant at IMG Golf, politely asking us not to use an image of Tiger Woods for our new ‘anger rehab’ 2011 collection. Our intention was to use a silhouette of a golfer, but they still feel ‘people’ will be able to recognise the image as TW. The above image has been slightly darkened; please let us know if you still feel this is a recognisable image?

We did try to point out that Tiger would not be a good role model for our brand as Golf Refugees are an eco brand. And took the opportunity to ask IMG if they had any professional golfers on their books who would be interested in wearing ethically made, carbon neutral golf apparel.

Such golfers would be provided with information on how and where our golf apparel is made with assurances that Golf Refugees do not use sweatshops. 
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PET LIFE

A Pet is for life, not just for Christmas.You also need to consider how good they are at retrieving golf balls.
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GOLF BOWLING

With the snow returning this weekend, how about a game of indoor ‘golf bowling’?

Each player hits a golf ball down a small-size alley in an attempt to knock down diminutive pins. Three putts are allowed at each set-up of the pins.

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CHRIMBO COMP.

It’s nearly time for Chrimbo.

Golf Refugees would like to wish you all a happy festive holiday. But before you go, how about entering our little competition to win one of our graphical, ethically made, organic climate neutral t-shirts?

All you have to do is come up with the funniest caption for the above pic. 

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BOYS & GIRLS

It’s been a great year for European golf, with five players in the top ten including World No.1 Lee Westwood and a great Ryder Cup victory at Celtic Manor with Captain Monty at the helm.

This got our little brains working, with a name like ‘Ryder’ pronounced ‘Ride-her’ should it be a team event for the best European / USA male and female golfers?

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EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES

Leading sportswear brand Nike has launched an ethically made golf collection where they agreed to pay textile workers ‘a living wage.'
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TITLEIST BID

Now that Fortune Brands Inc is considering selling off their non beverage brands including Acushnet.

Should Golf Refugees bid for Titleist? ‘Are you joking’ I hear you cry? Well yes and no.

For example, remember when the American Glazer family bought Manchester United Football club, they did so by borrowing the funds and indebting the once debt free club with a massive £700 million loan. Resulting in annual interest repayments of £50 million paid from operating profits. Naturally footy (soccer) fans have seen a substantial rise in ticket prices and a lack of investment in the transfer market for new signings. The Glazer’s also take a hefty management fee for running Manchester United FC. So they are existing business models in place for take-overs from smaller brands.

If Golf Refugees could raise the necessary funds for a successful Titleist bid, annual interest payments to service the loans would again come from operating profits.

The easiest way to increase profits for any business is to reduce expenditure and increase prices. Golf Refugees would seek substantial operating savings at Titleist and increase prices for the No. 1 golf ball in golf.

Wally and I, though he'd have to take a pay cut. Happy days.

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GOLF AWARDS 2010

Golfer of the Year 2010
Lee Westwood
Rookie of the Year 2010
Rory Mcllroy
Best female golfer 2010
Laura Davies
Best golf blog 2010
Golf Girl
Best eco golf brand 2010
Golf Refugees
Best sweatshop golf brand 2010
Nike
Services to golf award 2010
Elin Nordegren
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CHIP AND PIN

I have come to the conclusion that my bank must have personality data on me, as every time my credit card expires they send me three replacements.

So what to do with these old plastic cards? With my recycling hat on, how about using them to make ‘chip and pin’ golf ball markers?
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